Loving Beyond the Résumé
We live in a world obsessed with credentials. Swipe culture has turned dating into a résumé review! They need your height, career, income, and aesthetic lined up in bullet points on a profile, for approval to be worthy of a virtual chat that can possibly lead to coffee, cocktails, or another visit from Casper. We’ve been conditioned to ask: What do they have? What can they offer me? instead of the deeper question: Who are they becoming?
David Brooks calls this the war between résumé virtues and eulogy virtues. Résumé virtues are the accolades people post about like degrees, titles, the shiny accomplishments that look good in introductions. Eulogy virtues are the quiet truths spoken about you when you’re gone like kindness, humility, courage, faithfulness, love. The résumé gets applause. The eulogy gets remembered. One of the biggest take aways from attending my father’s funeral, was the surplus of eulogy virtues shared by all in attendance! The virtues still echo in the chambers of my heart to this day!
In love, modern culture seduces us toward résumé virtues… the partner with the “right” job, the “right” look, and the “right” network. But the relationships that endure… the ones that steady your soul and stretch you into your best self… are built on eulogy virtues. You can’t build a covenant on charisma… you’re going to need character!
This doesn’t mean résumé virtues are worthless… as ambition, discipline, and skill are gifts. It’s only problematic when they lead without eulogy virtues and love becomes transactional. The right question isn’t “Do they have it all?” but “Do they have the character to hold what they have?” And do you as well?
Seek the ones whose kindness is steady, whose humility holds power responsibly, whose integrity outlives the moment. Seek the ones who are becoming the love they hope to give… the ones who can celebrate your résumé while protecting your soul. In the end, love doesn’t remember the résumé… LOVE remembers the eulogy.
We’re all responsible for ourselves and the love we pursue.